Despairing during transitions? What to do when you lose your spark

Is it normal to lose motivation and passion during a major life transition? How can we avoid it? Or must we accept it as part of the process?

At a recent event on career change, several job-leavers talked about losing their ‘fire in the belly’: their internal drive toward some objective. They used to feel catapulted forwards by that fiery energy; but shortly before and during their career transitions, they lost their spark. In its place, there was an apathy, a half-kindled flame. For high-achieving people used to racing through life and being ultra-productive, this emptiness was deeply unsettling.

The same issue came up in a separate conversation with a young cellist who had single-mindedly pursued a musical career, receiving growing recognition and achieving ‘success.’ When he turned 30, he realised his passion was no longer music, but he had no idea what he wanted to do instead. He was feeling disconnected from life; viewing it as an observer, rather than a participant. He wanted to know: was this a normal feeling?

As I explained to him, I’ve felt the loss of my spark too— ironically, it was after I left the organisation I founded— which is called “Spark Inside,” and supports people to find their sense of purpose.

I believe that experiencing a rollercoaster of extreme emotions during a major life transition is not only normal, but perhaps inevitable. At times we might feel peaks of excitement and joy— for example, when channelling playfulness and creativity to experiment with new identities.

But it is common to experience grief too, because transitions begin with the process of ending and letting go of who we used to be or what we used to do. We might feel like we’ve lost a part of ourselves; as if our vision for the future was almost within our grasp and was snatched away— particularly when life changes are unexpected or undesired. It can be devastating, a raw wound. And we enter into a period of mourning, as we would for the death of a loved one.

Feeling apathy is not an indication that anything is wrong.

Fake it till you make it

When we’re not feeling that ‘fire in the belly’ or energetic optimism, there can be a strong pressure, both external and internal, to fabricate a false sense of passion, flow and happiness.

During transitions, this pressure can lead us to continue familiar routines and activities with full force— even when we really don’t have the energy or desire— because that’s what we feel we should do, what’s better, what more successful people do. Such a mindset can keep people stagnating in jobs, relationships or situations even when they are unhappy or unfulfilled.

But trying to be a Tigger when you’re feeling like Eeyore is not only unhelpful and inauthentic; ignoring or blocking emotions is also harmful to mental and physical health. In addition, it inhibits empathy which makes it harder to relate to others.

Just as importantly, manufacturing fake feelings of energy and trying to force yourself away from ‘negative’ emotional states prevents acknowledgement and access to the valuable wisdom that can be realised within these more melancholic moments.

Thomas Moore wrote that depressive periods give us the gravitas and weight to handle the seriousness of life, balancing out its lightness. Similarly, many cultures view periods of melancholy and sadness as necessary paths to arrive at wholeness. They are the teachers we need to grow.

Contemplation on Life Lows

Caveat: it’s a lot easier to see the value in depressive periods when we’re not in them.

What do emotional lows teach us?

1. They help us clarify what we don’t want, and what we do want. When we’re feeling sad and lonely, we feel lack— the absence of something that we used to have or that we crave. The process of identifying what that gap is, and then pursuing it through changes in our actions and thoughts, can bring us closer to greater fulfillment.
2. They can strengthen our bonds with friends and family by stress testing those relationships. In periods of despair, we turn to the people that we trust the most, that bring us joy and levity, that are emotionally safe. We might find that not everyone is emotionally or physically able to be supportive, and that allows us to reconfigure what it is that we are looking for in our relationships.

But watch out: we can also get stuck in emotional lows, the ‘transition traps of despair’!

Four Transition Traps of Despair

If you’re feeling down and despondent, here are four Traps to avoid:

1. The trap of distraction: to take your mind off your feelings, it can be tempting to fill every waking moment with activities, work, sports, social engagements, dramas or substances. This way, there’s no time to feel anything. This might look like: scheduling back-to-back commitments, so that you have no free time to feel anything.
2. The trap of denial: become a masked actor— put on a ‘happy face’ and pretend that the feelings do not exist. You might be in this trap if you’re telling people that you’re feeling fine, when you’re really not. (That isn’t to advise that you go into detail with everyone you meet though!).
3. The speed trap: accept that the feelings exist but you try to rush through them as quickly as possible. For example, giving yourself a contained, limited time period to move on, so you do not allow yourself to fully process the emotions.
4. The trap of overwhelm: become consumed by feelings, and spiral down to the point that you lose control over yourself. It might look like lethargy, stuckness, or even just feeling you can’t get off the sofa.

How can we avoid falling into these traps?

• Treat despair like a painful wound in need of nursing. When it demands attention, take care of it. With patience, it will either heal or we will develop around it and it will fade into the background, as a scar.
• Allow all feelings to come out in a safe place?— otherwise, like a plugged faucet, the pressure will build up and overwhelm.
• Keep feelings close but contained; available but not so overwhelming that they take over. James Hillman gave the analogy of putting them into a suitcase and carrying it with you.
• If feeling overcome emotionally, one option (from How We Change) is to timetable the ‘mourning’ period. Set a timer for the same time every day to grieve and reminisce (e.g. 30 minutes at 6pm each day) until you feel like you’ve moved on. This way, you can fully experience your emotions and work through them, but not rush the process in a speed trap.

Conclusion

It would be wonderful if we learned as much from our emotional highs as we do from our lows, but that’s not usually how it works. In the midst of major life changes, it’s crucial to recognise that the beauty of one’s transitional journey lies not only in the peaks but also in the valleys.

Periods of despair are like mirrors, allowing us to explore the depths of our soul in ways that joyful states cannot. Emotional lows are not merely obstacles to be overcome but opportunities for introspection, growth, and connection with our deepest selves. They are integral parts of our personal journey, and signify that deep, raw change is occurring.

So when you feel like the fire in your belly has turned into a pit of smoked-out ashes, don’t despair; it means that the transformation process has begun, and a phoenix is going to arise.

For more content like this, subscribe to my blog on navigating life transitions here: https://baillie.substack.com. Thanks for reading!