Envy: Toxic Poison, or Catalyst for Growth?

5 min readFeb 3, 2025

Scrolling through the emotional tinderbox that is social media, I am inundated with stories and photos of people sharing celebrations, successes and polished narratives. When I’m in a positive mood, I delight in these; they bring me joy. But when I’m feeling stuck, unhappy or in a rut, sometimes I also experience a spiky twinge of envy.

Envy has a bad reputation. It’s a complex cocktail of anger, fear and sadness which is often seen as destructive, shameful, even sinful. We’re taught to suppress it: “You shall not covet thy neighbour’s goods,” as the 10th Commandment warns. It’s seen as a corrosive emotion associated with harming ourselves, through resentment, and other people, through taking action on that bitterness.

But repressing envy doesn’t make it disappear. Instead, I’ve learned to reflect on it: Where is it coming from? What’s underneath it?

Here’s what I’ve discovered.

1. Envy Can Be Rooted in Grief (for the Lives Not Lived)

We tend to envy those we see as similar to ourselves: those we believe we could emulate but haven’t yet. When we feel envious, there might be an underlying sense of regret present: “I should have done this too.” This regret can inspire us to act. But it can also compound feelings of inferiority and blame: “I could have done what they did, but I didn’t.”

This type of envy is particularly pronounced during major life transitions. Inside each of us are countless potential selves: the dreams and fantasies we have had, often since childhood, of who we might become when we grow up. Each self represents a spark of hope and passion. But as we move through life, we realise we can’t live out every possibility, and we experience a sense of grief for the lives not lived.

As a child, I loved choose-your-own-adventure books, marking every fictional decision point with a label so that I could return to it, and explore every potential narrative outcome. In life, though, final choices are inevitable. Saying “yes” to one path often means saying “no” to others. Some potential selves never get to live, and letting them go can feel like a small death.

There’s grief in that loss, and regret is a natural part of a grief process. After a loss, we often replay events in our minds and identify missed opportunities or things we wish we could have done differently. We long for the realisation of old aspects of our identity that we haven’t fully released. Letting go of those previous aspects of self— old hopes, dreams and desires— allows us to move more fully into the next chapter of our lives, and release ourselves from envy.

2. Envy Feeds Off a Filtered Perspective

Who hasn’t felt envious of celebrity life— the multiple sprawling homes, invitations to exclusive events, unlimited budgets, opportunities to casually cavort with influential people… It’s easy to ignore that fame is often accompanied by a lack of privacy, constant drama and strained relationships.

Envy thrives on tunnel vision: a focus on a small, isolated fraction of reality. When we envy someone, we’re often picking out the parts of their life we desire while ignoring the full picture. When we say we’d happily swap our life for that of someone else, we’re rarely accounting for the complexity of their experiences, good and bad. We may prefer the filtered view because it helps simplify our emotional state, and thus stay envious. But it’s important to widen our scope and ask more questions to understand the entire context.

If we really wanted to live someone else’s life, we’d need to accept all of it. What are the challenges they might face? What are the compromises that we’d need to make? Would we really want everything? This broader understanding can help dissipate envy and foster empathy.

3. There’s a Duality to Envy

Envy isn’t inherently a ‘negative’ emotion. While often maligned, it is intertwined with positive social and emotional dynamics. It’s human nature to evaluate ourselves by comparing our abilities and achievements to those of others. Some animals exhibit this tendency too! Comparison can be beneficial, motivating us to improve our status or resources, and enhancing our appeal in social and mating contexts.

However, the more we compare ourselves to others or desire social status, the more strongly we may fear losing respect or social standing. This heightened sensitivity can lead to envy, alongside feelings of resentment, depression, or even aggression, especially in the face of perceived injustice. Yet, it’s this same sensitivity that can inspire us to address societal inequities, and make a meaningful, positive impact on the world.

Transmuting Envy into a Teacher

Rather than suppress envy, we can transform it into a generative force. Here’s how:

1. Responsibility

It can be challenging to accept that our choices have shaped our current life circumstances. Or perhaps decisions beyond our control— as unfair or unjust as they may seem— have steered our path away from that of others similar to us. However, denying responsibility or refusing to embrace our reality is disempowering. It keeps us trapped in a victim mindset, unable to move forward. Instead, try shifting your perspective. By accepting your life as it is— including the choices you’ve made or that have been made for you— you empower yourself to take meaningful action. You are then liberated to move forward on a path of your own choosing.

2. Gratitude

Envy highlights what we feel we lack. Practising gratitude shifts our focus to what we already have. For example, each morning, list five things you’re grateful for. This practice reframes your perspective toward abundance, and is shown to boost happiness.

3. Curiosity

Envy can illuminate what we truly desire, often before we’re aware of it consciously. When you’re feeling envious, ask yourself: What is it I want? What’s underneath this emotion? Once you identify the root desire, you can take actionable steps toward satisfying it. Those you envy can become inspirations rather than triggers.

Embracing Envy During Transitions

Envy is commonly felt during major life transitions, whether career-related or more generally. It can manifest as resentment, but it also holds the potential to be a motivating, illuminating force. By exploring envy with curiosity, gratitude and responsibility, we can turn it from a corrosive, extractive emotion into a catalyst for our self-development and fulfillment.

What are your thoughts? Have your experiences with envy been toxic, or illuminating? I’d love to hear your reflections— leave a comment or send me a message!

Further reading

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